Walking With Your Head Down....

Step One, Step Two, Step Three....I hear my Momma's voice in my head....'Pick up your head, it's bad to walk with your head down... people will think you're shy and self conscious...walk with your head up and be proud!' But, I like walking the way I do, it keeps me focused on the path I'm walking...focused on the target~not the chaos or noise going on around me. I know the chaos is there, I mean I acknowledge it. I'm not going to walk into a moving vehicle or pole or anything....ok, ok, but I only did that once....or twice maybe. 

I'm in my head a lot...it's a beautifully decorated serene room to hang out in, and when I spend time there...my thoughts are alive. I've heard people say 'You think to much!' As if thinking is a bad thing...and my inner voice always replies- I think therefore, I see...maybe you should try it sometime! I like being in my head, and today I'm hearing his words again...the words he's repeated at least 5 times in the last couple of months. 'I'm not your Holly Homemaker! ~ If I wasn't so busy being Holly Homemaker, I could work on those wood floors.' an inner voice that sounds just like Phil Robertson says 'Well now, this situation here is what we got, so if you don't like it then do something about it. We don't have time for all that yuppy bellyaching.' I don't know why it's Phil's voice I hear. It's not like I know him or anything, but it is that authoritative get down to business voice.
 
I'm probably going to get reamed by all the independent women out there, but I would have loved for Holly Homemaker to be my destiny....I wanted the Walton's ~ a big family to cook for~to care for ~ barefoot in the summer~ being a Momma, a real true Momma~ Suddenly I realize that his Holly complaint is meant as an insult for the unglamorous work that this working woman still feels responsible for...and would drop the world to focus on if given the chance. In the years of working too many jobs and raising kids as a single mom, I never made it to Holly status. Every now and then I'd rise to the occasion, but for the most part I could never keep up with the messes. I could, and still can, cook a mean~ yummy~extremely large meal with a mouth watering dessert, but not with all the decor and flair that Holly would have.




Step fourty, Step fourty-one....Why is he being insulting? I haven't asked, or commanded nor has he done mopping, sweeping, or scrubbing toilets...he's cooked, done dishes, and done laundry, and so I wonder...does he think that's all Holly does? Why is it that we are in 2013, and even though I have a career, he somehow has these toolish moments insinuating that all home chores are my responsibility and that he resents doing any of them while he is home on temporary lay-off? Why is he excusing his responsibility to his projects with weekly laundry for two....I mean now it's the laundry's fault? And if our roles are to be defined like that, then shouldn't I not have to work 40+ hours a week outside the house? Does he even know how chauvinistic it sounds that he would say that out loud? 

Surely not....surely not....

Here's the thing....I'd love nothing more than to work from home and take care of my home, and be domestic....I've just never had the opportunity....and the KEY word there is work! I can always find something that needs fixing, cleaning, prettying up (Lord knows I really need all those)....I have never not worked, even when I was laid off...I worked...I baked, I cleaned, I took care of the people around me, and I loved it. I don't know if I did a great job at it, but I did it! 

Step Eighty, Step Eighty-One...Why would he say something so seemingly insensitive when I know his heart and natural survival skills know better. Surely he knows them is fighting words...my inner cowardly lion voice yelling 'Put up your dukes, put up your dukes!' When did our life become about dividing genders instead of unifying them? Dr. Phil said you shouldn't give 50/50 but instead give 150% and 150%....you both give it all, and you have a common goal...after all...if something makes him happy, I should want that for him and vice versa right? Wrong.....reality says it can't always be paradise...deal with it...get over it and get to work...

Step Twenty Gazillion...I'm tired...still perturbed....sad....and feeling shut out
Guys..Guuuys, Guuuuuys....chauvinism gets you nowhere...if you don't want to do laundry then have a discussion about it....but remember sharing the responsibilities you helped serve up on that household platter is a must if you want to be happy...and here's the really bad news...life isn't all about gun's and toys and games....she isn't there to be your maid or secretary...she's your partner....  

I need a brownie now or maybe 4....