Spirits

It's almost Halloween! And people are thinking about 'Spirits' for sure, but probably not the kind I've had on my mind.

We are always searching for that 'feeling'....elation~peace~love...We look for it in work/careers/with family/friends...We search and search and search...

Our society turns to drugs to get this 'feeling' but we never seem to get it or even get close to even emulating it. But we still keep trying...and exactly what is that feeling? I mean how do we even know it exists if we've never truly achieved it in our life?

Pastor said something yesterday...he said "That's why they call alcohol spirits...because the feeling it gives you is kind of what it feels like to be drunk in the holy spirit".

My mind said hmm...wait what?! That makes perfect crazy sense! 

We use and abuse spirits(alcohol/mood altering drugs) to achieve this feeling....We are searching for this thing that's missing yet we never get there. Ahh the question of life... 

It's really sad but it's really real....

I was lying in bed this morning asking God why we can't achieve that spirit feeling in this reality/sobriety of a world...and why we are always trying escape that sobriety? Then I thought about how even Halloween is that escape...we get to be someone else for the night!

The idea to go to some better place is in music, art, work...it's everywhere...seeking constantly seeking THE BETTER~ aka HEAVEN.......

I was listening to Men Without Hats this morning because 80's music makes me happy, and I'm an 80's child, and well none of that matters here but for the first time ever I heard that same question I had been meditating on in their song!

 'And we can act like we come from out of this world leave the real one far behind"

 
Throughout our individual human time on this earth...we experience cycles of the desolation of not wanting to be here...because of struggles, boredom, abuse...

We all want to be somewhere else! In a 'better place'.


There are people I've heard who are 'getting drunk in the Holy Spirit' who have achieved this spiritual higher place...and then there's those getting drunk on the earthly spirits who have achieved a spiritual lower place...Unfortunately I have to say that I can totally only claim to have participated in the earthly spirit group, but I'm not sure I can claim to be part of the holy spirit group. 

Struggling~striving it's all part of life....maybe I'm over thinking this or maybe I just need a vacation...(It's been a few years)

God didn't give me a spoken answer this morning...I did, however, start to drift back off to sleep and an extreme sensation that I can only describe as peace and well being swept over me...and when I woke up my mind thought...'And that's what the Spirit feels like'

I used to think Halloween was about costumes, candy and even ancient pagan rituals...
But most recently, I think of Halloween as an opportunity to celebrate the 'Spirit' we were intended to have..(I mean we are sharing edibles...and Jesus loved to invite himself to dinner...each treat should be sent with a loving blessing to all the children he ohh soo loves)

So don't forget God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are exactly what Halloween supposedly celebrates....The Supernatural!

Think about it...door bell rings...you hear 'Trick or Treat', and you answer the door....dressed like Jesus! Maybe the trick or treater starts to speak in tongues, and be slain in the Holy Spirit...now wouldn't that be a change for a spirit encounter on Halloween!

Besides...He is more interesting than any ghouls or goblins if you ask me...

We Were Poor, And Now

....'Oooo you live on the rich side of town' 'You think you are better than me/him/her because you are rich'...

I feel like I'm in constant defense mode about where I live...and feeling like I should apologize to the people who say these things to me. Then I kind of feel disheartened that they see me that way. Then I feel apologetic again...like I've somehow betrayed them...Then I feel embarrassed.

I mean we were American Poor for many~ many~many years. (Not 3rd world poor or out on the streets...so our struggles were still minimal by comparison) And now we're just semi-poor...and I start singing...Movin on up...to the southwest side...Oh...I mean... to the east side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky..hy..hy...or no wait...it's a house, in a small town, on the southwest side. I loved that show...but no I don't have a housekeeper...I do have a yard that I never clean though...but that doesn't apply...

Anyone who knows me, knows the struggles that I've come through....I was very poor, and tirelessly doing what I could just to make ends meet on any given day much less any given pay period. We were poor, not just me but we...We were poor....in spirit and in finances. It was a lot, a lot, a lot of work to climb out of the pit of a life I voluntarily jumped into! I mean somebody didn't just show up and go, 'Hey you! You're so awesome girl. Here, let me just give you this house, and this vehicle, and this job!' Yeah no....I researched, I worked, I figured it out BUT only by the Grace of God was any of it granted.

If there is one thing my parent's taught me, that saved me from myself most days it was that nobody could bring me out of my bottom but me! They loved me, but they definitely didn't carry me through my struggles because they knew that there would come a day when they wouldn't be there to do it for me. They were honest, real, and steady, and when it was no....well it was no. 

And then....dun dun dun...it occurs to me. Why am I apologizing for where I am? Why are these people talking to me like where I live and the things I have somehow offends them? And why oh why are they saying these things when I've tried to help them, and when I've welcomed them into my life with no strings attached or expectations to be had?

I walked every single strenuous step of my life story...and if they only knew just how crazy that walk got sometimes, they wouldn't be treating me like that, and they wouldn't want anything to do with what they think I have!

I don't by any means think the simple answer is discrimination or envy. I think maybe it's because what this/my life represents is a true conquering of suppression. A theatrical defeat of the idea of poverty of spirit. See, I don't have endless money, or a huge savings account, and I don't have things that would be considered expensive in this world.

What do I have? A deep seated and true joy, despite what I've experienced, and despite the dumb decisions I've made in my past. A yearning to find peace in my spirit  by seeking out Jesus on a level that shows everybody...both individually and collectively that no matter what you've done in your past...He loves you and his blessings abound if you will just open your eyes and see his truth.

Here's my truth....I am soooo noooot worldly rich by any means, my home is modest, and I've been oh so blessed~undeservedly~by God...but I am far from where I used to be...and I have a really awesome life story behind it all that should be a testimony to those who are struggling!

So, the next time somebody looks down their nose at me in disgust, and says 'Oh!, you live on the rich side of town!' I'm going to say....Why yes! I do! It's a home rich in the love of Jesus...he gave it to me, even though I didn't deserve it...and if you ever want to know why I know that...well...have a seat, I'll pour you a cup o' joe, and oooohhh...

Because........

But for the Grace of God go I.....

Be Humble

It's always funny to me how people in today's society can take your humility and twist it to be a weakness instead of a strength...

And even more disturbing is that they think....
'You must change to survive in this world!'

Most recently...I had someone tell me that I needed to learn to like myself enough to be secure that I am good at ***** (you can fill that in) work, family, creativity, life in general. 

I was having a weak moment...probably just a hormone imbalance or hormone battle depending on how you look at it...and yes, I cried....

Apparently Empathy is a crime today but that's a whole other blog.

Now to give you some background...for years, I've been immersed in a tyrannical work environment, and because it seriously bothers me, because I am pretty much at the finish line with tolerance but not in an angry way, just tired....and I fumbled through expressing it....a judgement was made that I don't like myself...yes.. I don't like myself! Lest I wouldn't be effected by this, and I would be able to let it roll off  my oh so broad shoulders or stand up for myself....

Meaning? 'There is something wrong with you...put up your dukes and protect yourself! Fight back! You coward!'

Now...of course I could have the meaning wrong or

 it could just be my imagination talking, but basically, you get my drift....

and none the less...it added insult to injury, and trust was broken...

I hesitate to confide in people because the words in my head never seem to make it out of my lips and into the air in a way that the other person understands exactly what I meant and how I meant it! I've somehow...through my carefully chosen words (but mostly my silence) given this impression to others that I'm weak....or maybe they just don't want to hear it, ORRRRR maybe....they just aren't speaking the same language!

I'm at the Tower of Babel most days I suppose....

When I look in the mirror.....I'm not like "Oh my...how awesome am I, aww look at you, you are so great?!" (yeah that would be the weirdest self conversation ever!) But! I definitely don't dislike me....I mean...I just think...I'm on my way...not perfect by any means, lots of work to do, but I'm doing it one step at a time, and I don't presume to be better than anybody else, ever!

And to be honest, schmoozing, small talking, fitting in behaviour has never been me....and it never will be....I'm good with that, and that's the narrow path I'm staying on no matter how weak others think that makes me...

Why? Well because my honey's it ain't about money, status, or things....Who I am, isn't some on display or for sale act and it shouldn't be....we have it wrong...stop selling yourself to achieve fake success...
What it is about is striving to be like Jesus, serving and helping other people, taking your own agenda out of the equation, and loving others....

Yeah even the ones who think you are weak...and weird....

Yes I know...it's an innovative idea....one that's been around for hundreds of years.....and it's the right idea...

Truly...Jesus is the answer....
Be Confident (in him) without being Conceited (in yourself)
Be Caring (for others) without being Overbearing (to others)
Be Loving (towards others) without being Controlling (only he has control)

And your soul shall be at Peace

ONE LOVE

What Is Love?

Fluidly changing

Always rearranging

It's an action and a thing

It's a feeling and a being

It's a range of many meanings

And a place that's ever changing

It's destructive like the weather

To make us change...but for the better

Yet it's gentle like a feather

Always silent..always treasured

~Geri M.2014

What?

You're right...I have no idea... 

With each new leaf (bible page) that I turn over in my life,

 and just when I think I've matured enough to know what it means,

 I realize that I have to go deeper....

Deeper into the abyss of my soul where the secrets to ME and who I am supposed to be are totally locked away...

Behind a padlock, inside a chamber door, that goes down to a bunker somewhere in a desolate place that I can't Google map...

I don't think love can really be defined in words...

What I do know though is what IT isn't....it ISN'T anger...

The act (not the emotion) of ANGER, to me, 

is the polar opposite to love...

The emotion anger can be a righteous emotion, but mostly with us humans we are motivated by selfishness tied to pride, or greed, or some type of need to control the situation. 

Here's an epiphany....you can actually be hurt without being angry! They are nooot the same thing, yet many friends and couples intermingle the two as if they were 2 peas in a pod. 

 
Ahhh control....why is it so hard for us to not desire control? Even when we think we aren't controlling....we are. We are raised with the idea that we always need to control our lives...our schedules, our surroundings. Why? To achieve some fake idea we call success. 

What if our goal was to achieve success by loving each other....

through forgiveness, feeding the poor, healing the sick, not pointing fingers

(cept for at our own behavior)

Could you imagine if everybody got up in the morning and said....

"Today I declare!! 

I am going to micromanage(dun dun dun)....my own behavior!"

 Aha! We would be different, that's all this Crazy Lady knows

HSP

Highly Sensitive/Spiritual Person- Am I? My Sister, about a year ago, introduced that title/label to me. I pretty much would explain many many many things about how I function, and dysfunction!

I read the definition-Highly-Sensitive_person   A highly sensitive person (HSP) is a person having the innate trait of high sensory processing sensitivity (or innate sensitiveness as Carl Jung originally coined it^[1][2]). According to Elaine N. Aron and colleagues as well as other researchers, highly sensitive people, who comprise about a fifth of the population (equal numbers in men and women), may process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly due to a biological difference in their nervous systems.^[3] This is a specific trait, with key consequences for how we view people, that in the past has often been confused with innate shyness, social anxiety problems, inhibitedness, social phobia and innate fearfulness,^[4][5] and introversion.^[6] The trait is measured using the HSP Scale, which has been demonstrated to have both internal and external validity.^[6] Although the term is primarily used to describe humans, something similar to the trait is present in over 100 other species.

hmm....sort of sounds like me....I've been told I'm empathic, that I possess the gift of discernment, that I can predict what a person's intentions are....and all of those can be wrapped up into the identity of a HSP....then I read this site: Living Samsara And WOW....that is me! My weirdness has an actual definition! (p.s...I am very aware what Samsara means, and yes I am Christian~HSP is not implying a double belief or blasphemy-God gives us all gifts-sensitivity is very much so a gift...unless you are me and have no clue how to use it as a strength yet)

The downfall of being a HSP is trying to function in this highly sensory world day in and day out without melting into oblivion! It's all about talking and selling yourself, and being 'out there' being 'seen, and heard'. To be honest I'd rather watch from the corner ...a very dark corner. But in relationship like family, or significant other...the corner isn't so easy to find. They have a hard time understanding my need for solitude, and they show what sometimes borders on resentment that they can't get away with much around me. I can't tell you how I know what they are up to...I just know...and to tell you the truth there have been many a day I wished that I didn't.

Just last week I vocalized what I thought would be the actions of an employee who'd been with us just over a year, and when it came to fruition a week later, others were amazed that 'I called it'....Me...not so much, but I was still highly disappointed, even though I've known for this person's whole term that their intentions were not true....while their lips were saying one thing...their behavior was displaying otherwise...that person was being fake, and lieing...a lot....the hard part was...how do you express that in a professional setting? How do you tell your supervisor that you just know? and how in the H_E_(double hockey sticks) doesn't anybody else see it?

It's like sitting in a theater watching a movie for the umpteenth time while everyone else in the audience is attending for the first time...you already know when the screams are coming, you already know what's happening next....but nobody else knows...nobody else is catching on....It's frustrating sometimes.

I'm not real sure how it translates in a positive way into intimate and family relationships...it's been more of a rocky road of men for me...if only it had been as sweet and tasty as the ice cream... 

I'd rather just find the on/off switch, turn it off, and then smash the crap out of the switch so that it could never ever ever be turned on again...if anybody out there has any proactive and faith based suggestions for a HSP...my eyes and ears are open...since they always are anyway!

Is He Still Mad?

I ask...'Is he still mad?' She replies...'No but my boobs are leaky!'....I reply ':/...ok' while I do the eyebrows raised and crooked mouth bit...


I like those simple, strange and weird conversations with her...it's a banter that only a Mom and Daughter could understand....

She's one of the funniest people I know and always has been....she lost the funny for a few years ...age 13 to 18....some of the most miserable mother/daughter relationship time I have ever had, but I think it somehow made us stronger. We know each other and trust each other in a way that most people just don't get...underneath all the drama was a love, a deep seeded love she never lost for me even when she was sure she hated me...

She's just a few days away from becoming a Momma herself....and I'm scared for her...scared of all the obstacles she'll have to overcome.....my only comfort...God/Daddy....he has always and will always take care of her....where men have failed her...Daddy has not....I pray she knows it and lives it. 

She says....I just wanna slap him...:/....I do the eyebrows raised and crooked mouth bit again, and my heart sighs 'Aye' out loud....she got that tude from my Momma...the Granny attitude/tude....Grannitude....It's strong, it's mean, but it's as funny as you know what....
because neither one of them would ever slap anybody, they just find comfort in saying they would....underneath all that Grannitude is a big softy....probably gonna be the most loving Momma ever...she's always loved animals, and our dogs still don't know they aren't her babies...it'll be interesting to see the shock when they realize it....

What a joy to be a Grandma again...what a joy to be a Grandma....I get to play and love without worrying about discipline and all that serious parenting stuff. 

She says 'My boob's are still leaking'  I say,  'Ok...put a pad in your bra'  She responds...'I think I might have some breast pads somewhere, thanks Momma...love you.' I say 'Love you too Monkey.' 

I ask...'Is he still mad?' She replies...'No but my boobs are leaky!'....Random and strange...

Thank the Lord for Daughters..... 

 

Walking With Your Head Down....

Step One, Step Two, Step Three....I hear my Momma's voice in my head....'Pick up your head, it's bad to walk with your head down... people will think you're shy and self conscious...walk with your head up and be proud!' But, I like walking the way I do, it keeps me focused on the path I'm walking...focused on the target~not the chaos or noise going on around me. I know the chaos is there, I mean I acknowledge it. I'm not going to walk into a moving vehicle or pole or anything....ok, ok, but I only did that once....or twice maybe. 

I'm in my head a lot...it's a beautifully decorated serene room to hang out in, and when I spend time there...my thoughts are alive. I've heard people say 'You think to much!' As if thinking is a bad thing...and my inner voice always replies- I think therefore, I see...maybe you should try it sometime! I like being in my head, and today I'm hearing his words again...the words he's repeated at least 5 times in the last couple of months. 'I'm not your Holly Homemaker! ~ If I wasn't so busy being Holly Homemaker, I could work on those wood floors.' an inner voice that sounds just like Phil Robertson says 'Well now, this situation here is what we got, so if you don't like it then do something about it. We don't have time for all that yuppy bellyaching.' I don't know why it's Phil's voice I hear. It's not like I know him or anything, but it is that authoritative get down to business voice.
 
I'm probably going to get reamed by all the independent women out there, but I would have loved for Holly Homemaker to be my destiny....I wanted the Walton's ~ a big family to cook for~to care for ~ barefoot in the summer~ being a Momma, a real true Momma~ Suddenly I realize that his Holly complaint is meant as an insult for the unglamorous work that this working woman still feels responsible for...and would drop the world to focus on if given the chance. In the years of working too many jobs and raising kids as a single mom, I never made it to Holly status. Every now and then I'd rise to the occasion, but for the most part I could never keep up with the messes. I could, and still can, cook a mean~ yummy~extremely large meal with a mouth watering dessert, but not with all the decor and flair that Holly would have.




Step fourty, Step fourty-one....Why is he being insulting? I haven't asked, or commanded nor has he done mopping, sweeping, or scrubbing toilets...he's cooked, done dishes, and done laundry, and so I wonder...does he think that's all Holly does? Why is it that we are in 2013, and even though I have a career, he somehow has these toolish moments insinuating that all home chores are my responsibility and that he resents doing any of them while he is home on temporary lay-off? Why is he excusing his responsibility to his projects with weekly laundry for two....I mean now it's the laundry's fault? And if our roles are to be defined like that, then shouldn't I not have to work 40+ hours a week outside the house? Does he even know how chauvinistic it sounds that he would say that out loud? 

Surely not....surely not....

Here's the thing....I'd love nothing more than to work from home and take care of my home, and be domestic....I've just never had the opportunity....and the KEY word there is work! I can always find something that needs fixing, cleaning, prettying up (Lord knows I really need all those)....I have never not worked, even when I was laid off...I worked...I baked, I cleaned, I took care of the people around me, and I loved it. I don't know if I did a great job at it, but I did it! 

Step Eighty, Step Eighty-One...Why would he say something so seemingly insensitive when I know his heart and natural survival skills know better. Surely he knows them is fighting words...my inner cowardly lion voice yelling 'Put up your dukes, put up your dukes!' When did our life become about dividing genders instead of unifying them? Dr. Phil said you shouldn't give 50/50 but instead give 150% and 150%....you both give it all, and you have a common goal...after all...if something makes him happy, I should want that for him and vice versa right? Wrong.....reality says it can't always be paradise...deal with it...get over it and get to work...

Step Twenty Gazillion...I'm tired...still perturbed....sad....and feeling shut out
Guys..Guuuys, Guuuuuys....chauvinism gets you nowhere...if you don't want to do laundry then have a discussion about it....but remember sharing the responsibilities you helped serve up on that household platter is a must if you want to be happy...and here's the really bad news...life isn't all about gun's and toys and games....she isn't there to be your maid or secretary...she's your partner....  

I need a brownie now or maybe 4....