Thursday, March 6, 2014

ONE LOVE

What Is Love?
Fluidly changing
Always rearranging
It's an action and a thing
It's a feeling and a being
It's a range of many meanings
And a place that's ever changing
It's destructive like the weather
To make us change...but for the better
Yet it's gentle like a feather
Always silent..always treasured
~Geri M.2014

What?
You're right...I have no idea... 

With each new leaf (bible page) that I turn over in my life,
 and just when I think I've matured enough to know what it means,
 I realize that I have to go deeper....
Deeper into the abyss of my soul where the secrets to ME and who I am supposed to be are totally locked away...

Behind a padlock, inside a chamber door, that goes down to a bunker somewhere in a desolate place that I can't Google map...

I don't think love can really be defined in words...

What I do know though is what IT isn't....it ISN'T anger...

The act (not the emotion) of ANGER, to me, 
is the polar opposite to love...

The emotion anger can be a righteous emotion, but mostly with us humans we are motivated by selfishness tied to pride, or greed, or some type of need to control the situation. 

Here's an epiphany....you can actually be hurt without being angry! They are nooot the same thing, yet many friends and couples intermingle the two as if they were 2 peas in a pod. 


 
Ahhh control....why is it so hard for us to not desire control? Even when we think we aren't controlling....we are. We are raised with the idea that we always need to control our lives...our schedules, our surroundings. Why? To achieve some fake idea we call success. 

What if our goal was to achieve success by loving each other....
through forgiveness, feeding the poor, healing the sick, not pointing fingers
(cept for at our own behavior)


Could you imagine if everybody got up in the morning and said....
"Today I declare!! 
I am going to micromanage(dun dun dun)....my own behavior!"


 Aha! We would be different, that's all this Crazy Lady knows














Monday, October 7, 2013

HSP

Highly Sensitive/Spiritual Person- Am I? My Sister, about a year ago, introduced that title/label to me. I pretty much would explain many many many things about how I function, and dysfunction!

I read the definition-Highly-Sensitive_person   A highly sensitive person (HSP) is a person having the innate trait of high sensory processing sensitivity (or innate sensitiveness as Carl Jung originally coined it[1][2]). According to Elaine N. Aron and colleagues as well as other researchers, highly sensitive people, who comprise about a fifth of the population (equal numbers in men and women), may process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly due to a biological difference in their nervous systems.[3] This is a specific trait, with key consequences for how we view people, that in the past has often been confused with innate shyness, social anxiety problems, inhibitedness, social phobia and innate fearfulness,[4][5] and introversion.[6] The trait is measured using the HSP Scale, which has been demonstrated to have both internal and external validity.[6] Although the term is primarily used to describe humans, something similar to the trait is present in over 100 other species.

hmm....sort of sounds like me....I've been told I'm empathic, that I possess the gift of discernment, that I can predict what a person's intentions are....and all of those can be wrapped up into the identity of a HSP....then I read this site: Living Samsara And WOW....that is me! My weirdness has an actual definition! (p.s...I am very aware what Samsara means, and yes I am Christian~HSP is not implying a double belief or blasphemy-God gives us all gifts-sensitivity is very much so a gift...unless you are me and have no clue how to use it as a strength yet)

The downfall of being a HSP is trying to function in this highly sensory world day in and day out without melting into oblivion! It's all about talking and selling yourself, and being 'out there' being 'seen, and heard'. To be honest I'd rather watch from the corner ...a very dark corner. But in relationship like family, or significant other...the corner isn't so easy to find. They have a hard time understanding my need for solitude, and they show what sometimes borders on resentment that they can't get away with much around me. I can't tell you how I know what they are up to...I just know...and to tell you the truth there have been many a day I wished that I didn't.

Just last week I vocalized what I thought would be the actions of an employee who'd been with us just over a year, and when it came to fruition a week later, others were amazed that 'I called it'....Me...not so much, but I was still highly disappointed, even though I've known for this person's whole term that their intentions were not true....while their lips were saying one thing...their behavior was displaying otherwise...that person was being fake, and lieing...a lot....the hard part was...how do you express that in a professional setting? How do you tell your supervisor that you just know? and how in the H_E_(double hockey sticks) doesn't anybody else see it?

It's like sitting in a theater watching a movie for the umpteenth time while everyone else in the audience is attending for the first time...you already know when the screams are coming, you already know what's happening next....but nobody else knows...nobody else is catching on....It's frustrating sometimes.

I'm not real sure how it translates in a positive way into intimate and family relationships...it's been more of a rocky road of men for me...if only it had been as sweet and tasty as the ice cream... 

I'd rather just find the on/off switch, turn it off, and then smash the crap out of the switch so that it could never ever ever be turned on again...if anybody out there has any proactive and faith based suggestions for a HSP...my eyes and ears are open...since they always are anyway!

Is He Still Mad?

I ask...'Is he still mad?' She replies...'No but my boobs are leaky!'....I reply ':/...ok' while I do the eyebrows raised and crooked mouth bit...


I like those simple, strange and weird conversations with her...it's a banter that only a Mom and Daughter could understand....

She's one of the funniest people I know and always has been....she lost the funny for a few years ...age 13 to 18....some of the most miserable mother/daughter relationship time I have ever had, but I think it somehow made us stronger. We know each other and trust each other in a way that most people just don't get...underneath all the drama was a love, a deep seeded love she never lost for me even when she was sure she hated me...


She's just a few days away from becoming a Momma herself....and I'm scared for her...scared of all the obstacles she'll have to overcome.....my only comfort...God/Daddy....he has always and will always take care of her....where men have failed her...Daddy has not....I pray she knows it and lives it. 

She says....I just wanna slap him...:/....I do the eyebrows raised and crooked mouth bit again, and my heart sighs 'Aye' out loud....she got that tude from my Momma...the Granny attitude/tude....Grannitude....It's strong, it's mean, but it's as funny as you know what....
because neither one of them would ever slap anybody, they just find comfort in saying they would....underneath all that Grannitude is a big softy....probably gonna be the most loving Momma ever...she's always loved animals, and our dogs still don't know they aren't her babies...it'll be interesting to see the shock when they realize it....

What a joy to be a Grandma again...what a joy to be a Grandma....I get to play and love without worrying about discipline and all that serious parenting stuff. 

She says 'My boob's are still leaking'  I say,  'Ok...put a pad in your bra'  She responds...'I think I might have some breast pads somewhere, thanks Momma...love you.' I say 'Love you too Monkey.' 

I ask...'Is he still mad?' She replies...'No but my boobs are leaky!'....Random and strange...

Thank the Lord for Daughters..... 

 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Walking With Your Head Down....

Step One, Step Two, Step Three....I hear my Momma's voice in my head....'Pick up your head, it's bad to walk with your head down... people will think you're shy and self conscious...walk with your head up and be proud!' But, I like walking the way I do, it keeps me focused on the path I'm walking...focused on the target~not the chaos or noise going on around me. I know the chaos is there, I mean I acknowledge it. I'm not going to walk into a moving vehicle or pole or anything....ok, ok, but I only did that once....or twice maybe. 

I'm in my head a lot...it's a beautifully decorated serene room to hang out in, and when I spend time there...my thoughts are alive. I've heard people say 'You think to much!' As if thinking is a bad thing...and my inner voice always replies- I think therefore, I see...maybe you should try it sometime! I like being in my head, and today I'm hearing his words again...the words he's repeated at least 5 times in the last couple of months. 'I'm not your Holly Homemaker! ~ If I wasn't so busy being Holly Homemaker, I could work on those wood floors.' an inner voice that sounds just like Phil Robertson says 'Well now, this situation here is what we got, so if you don't like it then do something about it. We don't have time for all that yuppy bellyaching.' I don't know why it's Phil's voice I hear. It's not like I know him or anything, but it is that authoritative get down to business voice.
 
I'm probably going to get reamed by all the independent women out there, but I would have loved for Holly Homemaker to be my destiny....I wanted the Walton's ~ a big family to cook for~to care for ~ barefoot in the summer~ being a Momma, a real true Momma~ Suddenly I realize that his Holly complaint is meant as an insult for the unglamorous work that this working woman still feels responsible for...and would drop the world to focus on if given the chance. In the years of working too many jobs and raising kids as a single mom, I never made it to Holly status. Every now and then I'd rise to the occasion, but for the most part I could never keep up with the messes. I could, and still can, cook a mean~ yummy~extremely large meal with a mouth watering dessert, but not with all the decor and flair that Holly would have.




Step fourty, Step fourty-one....Why is he being insulting? I haven't asked, or commanded nor has he done mopping, sweeping, or scrubbing toilets...he's cooked, done dishes, and done laundry, and so I wonder...does he think that's all Holly does? Why is it that we are in 2013, and even though I have a career, he somehow has these toolish moments insinuating that all home chores are my responsibility and that he resents doing any of them while he is home on temporary lay-off? Why is he excusing his responsibility to his projects with weekly laundry for two....I mean now it's the laundry's fault? And if our roles are to be defined like that, then shouldn't I not have to work 40+ hours a week outside the house? Does he even know how chauvinistic it sounds that he would say that out loud? 
Surely not....surely not....



Here's the thing....I'd love nothing more than to work from home and take care of my home, and be domestic....I've just never had the opportunity....and the KEY word there is work! I can always find something that needs fixing, cleaning, prettying up (Lord knows I really need all those)....I have never not worked, even when I was laid off...I worked...I baked, I cleaned, I took care of the people around me, and I loved it. I don't know if I did a great job at it, but I did it! 



Step Eighty, Step Eighty-One...Why would he say something so seemingly insensitive when I know his heart and natural survival skills know better. Surely he knows them is fighting words...my inner cowardly lion voice yelling 'Put up your dukes, put up your dukes!' When did our life become about dividing genders instead of unifying them? Dr. Phil said you shouldn't give 50/50 but instead give 150% and 150%....you both give it all, and you have a common goal...after all...if something makes him happy, I should want that for him and vice versa right? Wrong.....reality says it can't always be paradise...deal with it...get over it and get to work...

Step Twenty Gazillion...I'm tired...still perturbed....sad....and feeling shut out
Guys..Guuuys, Guuuuuys....chauvinism gets you nowhere...if you don't want to do laundry then have a discussion about it....but remember sharing the responsibilities you helped serve up on that household platter is a must if you want to be happy...and here's the really bad news...life isn't all about gun's and toys and games....she isn't there to be your maid or secretary...she's your partner....  

I need a brownie now or maybe 4....

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

It's About That Time

I get tired, and I know I'm not supposed to, but it's not a physical status I can escape.

I pretty much don't really like to be around people...certain people hurt to be around...and truthfully it's such a stretch for me to keep up with people's moods and needs....it is just draining.....

Church service Sunday...Pastor's sermon  was about repenting, and not living a worldly lifestyle while pretending to live a spiritual one. He said the biggest problem Christians deal with is Pride. I know some really proudful people, who never apologize, never admit they are wrong, and brag about all the great things they do....what I wonder is...if I'm able to see that in them...what does that mean about me? Am I being proudful by

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Daddy

I was trying to think of what I could say about relationships in relation to God, the Bible, and Christianity. And although, I could regurgitate a bunch of what I think I've learned, I know that wouldn't help me if I really really needed help. And believe me...I need help even knowing what I know. Because after all, knowing and doing are two completely different things.


Growing up, I was taught that God was a man, and not ever being taught to crack open a Bible, I automatically equated God/Jesus/Holy Spirit to men of this world. Although I knew that God was 'better' so to speak...I still imagined him or personified him by what I knew of men. My Dad, Catholic Priests, Grandpo, Uncles, Brother, then later Boyfriends(not a sane comparison). It was a mish mash of identity confusion. I just wonder how many other women out there struggle with this.

Because I had difficulty with male relationships, I think I built a barrier to God. Thinking that he would reject me, punish me or abuse me like the worldly men. But

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Agape Love

Years of failed relationships with family, with friends, with husbands (yeess there was more than one) ...and always searching for love but not REALLY knowing what love meant.

I knew the Bible's definition ~1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (English Standard Version) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (ESV)...  
But I didn't know what it meant in action. I needed a live example outside of words.  
 



I remember reading a King James version that started out like this Love suffers long and is kind; ~and I totally missed the whole meaning and I right away went into 'Oh yes ~ poor me' and thought to myself, 'Well I sure got the suffering part down!' and ohhh how I suffered...


See I always thought of love as a noun-a person place or thing~instead of a verb- an action word-a happening....and I spent more time thinking about how to 'get' love than I did about how to 'give' it...

Loving someone despite. Despite! That's the part that gets